The Sound of Your Voice | "A Gracious Response" Article

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A Gracious Response
By Dr. Carol Fleming

Suppose you are a single person attending the wedding of a friend. At the reception, a Very Attractive Person approaches you and says, “Are you a friend of the Groom?” (And you are.) More than likely, this is just a conversational opener and a display of friendly intent. Lucky you, someone has taken the initiative to get the ball rolling, to get to know you better.

Suppose you answer ‘yes’, now what?

Depending on the context and tone of voice, this simple ‘yes’ could actually be heard as a rude dismissive response.

You gave the most minimal of answers.
You answered as if the person simply wanted the information (in what is obviously
a social context),
You probably forced the V.A.P. to come up with another question if, in fact, s/he was trying to move the conversation.

What if you answered, “yes, I am”. Can you feel that this is somehow a friendlier answer? It’s like taking the offered handshake with a warm responsive grip. “Yes,
I am (a friend of the groom). This implied inclusion of the language of the question takes off the hard edge of the simple monosyllable. Very Attractive Person will feel more warmth and welcome.

But you can do better, and should put some energy into developing this conversation.

You will add an informative sentence to the basic acknowledgement (Yes, I am.) that allows the conversation to be developed in a new direction. For example, you might add, “We went to Washington State when we were undergrads. We were both interested in drama.” This advances the friendly intent theme and also introduces free information to the other person.

By free information, we mean that you have introduced new potential topics that could now be addressed. You have already exhausted the issue of whether you are or are not a friend of the groom. Yes/no questions have a way of not leading anywhere without further feeding. Your responsiveness, your willingness to offer these encouraging bits of information will read as a courteous and encouraging answer and is socially appropriate.

What if you don’t want to encourage conversation?

There are people out there that you do not have/want to encourage. There are drunks, deadbeats and damn fools. Why then the abrupt dismissive yes/no may be just your cup of tea. Be sure to avoid further eye contact and move toward other people. You are responding - tthey can’t say that you didn’t - but you are not encouraging anything more.

Your teenager is probably expert at this.

Contact us today to discuss how our workshops, coaching and training products can improve your Personal Professionalism and Communication Impact.

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