The Sound of Your Voice | "How to Look Like You're Listening" Article

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How to Look Like You're Listening
By Dr. Carol Fleming

No one has ever consulted with me to improve their own listening. Everybody thinks they listen just fine. Others, however, may frequently complain about not being listened to. Can't help them there, of course, unless they're in a position to give threats or rewards.

I do have clients that have received performance reviews or feedback, where “listening skills' have been identified as a major problem, possibly having an influence on promotion or even retention. The individual is usually puzzled and resentful because they feel that they have been hearing what people had to say. But it is one thing to hear and another to listen.

Hearing is something you do internally, even passively. It is a matter of perceiving sounds.

Listening implies a conscious effort to hear. When another person is involved,
listening has certain behavioral signs that allow the speaker to know you are making an effort to hear them. I know many a person who is content to hear people but who does not give the signs of listening. This is maddening to most people. It is experienced as disregard literally, not so much of the information as of the communication relationship.

This happens at work and it happens at home:

“You're not listening to me!"
“I am listening."
“You've got your head stuck in that newspaper and just grunting at me!"
"I was too listening." (Head is still stuck in the newspaper.)
"You said that you saw Joe at the supermarket and he said that Judy had a new job with the Sierra Club."

Does she feel listened to… REALLY? No she doesn't.

This exchange is always tremendously dissatisfying to the speaker. The guy hiding in the newspaper, however, may be having a “whee" of a time with his repetition of what the wife (in this case) has just said. (“See? You're wrong! I was listening! Ha Ha! I can read and hear you at the same time.")

I will give you five concrete behavioral signals and one memory technique that you may develop to indicate that you are listening. They are the behavioral signs that a speaker is looking for and you may be withholding:

An indication of your interest and attention
You may be withholding (willfully) in order to communicate that what you are doing is more compelling than anything they may want to say to you. It is also possible that you are not sending the “I'm listening" signals because you don't know any better, but I doubt it
Note: You may be an excellent listener and never show these behaviors
You may show these behavior and be a lousy listener.
However, if you do demonstrate these behaviors, other people will perceive
you as listening to them. I guarantee it.

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1. STOP what you are doing - reading, filing, writing, flower arranging, etc., so that the speaker has your full attention. The faster you stop, the more importance you are perceived to attach to the speaker. Making them wait until you are jolly well good and ready to attend gives a message all its own. We've all had this experience with personnel in department stores and restaurants.
If you are engaged in an important ongoing task, you might say, “I'll be with you in just a moment…" People will usually understand this.

2. LOOK at the person speaking. There is no better way to give yourself - your regard, your attention, your time, your receptivity - than with your eyes. To give them your full regard is to indicate an open channel. To stay glued to the computer monitor or the slot machine while another speaks is a clear sign of relative lack of importance. The relationship is at stake.

If you need to visually monitor something important, you can mention it: “My little one is on her tricycle outside and I need to keep an eye on her…."

3. LEAN toward them. A slight inclination of the head or body is an “approach" signal of approval. You are trying to get closer to the speaker, to reduce the distance. This is perceived as 'listening". You may think of 'listing' as in the tilting of a boat.

4. NOD your head occasionally as they speak. This reassures the speaker that you are attending to their message. It signals encouragement of the communication, not necessarily agreement with the message. Too much nodding, or interjecting, “yeah, yeah, yeah…" can be felt as a hurry up signal and is counterproductive.

5. REFLECT what they've said, at least some part of it, after they've spoken. Do not do a parrot like repetition, but reflect enough content to confirm that you have not only received but also processed the message. Include the emotional component in your version and the individual will feel deeply heard and will be ready to really listen to you. Isn't that nice?

You could say: “Sounds like the new hire is really causing you a problem. Darn it! I wish I was in a position to help, but I would only step on toes in this case. Can you talk to H.R.?" Or you could just say: “Not my job!" Which one sounds better to you?

Memory Technique

WRITE down some details of a person's life for future reference. I sometimes help a person make a good first impression on a new job. I have him/her start a mini dossier on various people. If the secretary is late and you hear that her daughter was sick, you make a note of that. If a colleague is going to be in a race of some sort, write it down, if you over hear that a certain deal is in the works, write down a few words on your list.

Later on you can inquire, “How's your daughter doing?" "How did that race turn out?", etc. The individual will be immensely flattered that you paid attention and remembered some detail of their own life, something of significance to them but certainly not to you. You will be perceived as a good listener and a thoughtful person. This is what you want. You might actually become one.

Contact us today to discuss how our workshops, coaching and training products can improve your Personal Professionalism and Communication Impact.

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