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The Stories We Tell Ourselves
By Dr. Carol Fleming

I bought a beautiful and costly gift in Europe for my friend and sent it to him. I took such pleasure and pride in the selection and purchase of this gift. I could hardly wait for him to get it. He will pick up the phone immediately, I thought, and let me know he got it and that he loves it. He will extol the gift, we will discuss fit and color and usage.

I will call his attention to a certain detail in the garment; he will consider just where he is going to wear it first. How I look forward to this phone call, a phone call that doesn't happen. I wait two weeks and finally break down and call him “to make sure he even got it”. Yes, he got it and, thank you very much, yes; it's a lovely sweater. No, I won't wear it for skiing; I'm saving it for special.

This was NOT the conversation I had in mind. My version of the expected (desired) response was considerably more operatic than the actual response. I experienced the conversation as a major letdown, a disappointment and felt a distinct urge to pout and whine (“I go to all this trouble, paid a lot of money, packing and wrapping, etc.!”). Hold on, what am I doing to the gift-giving here? Where is it writ that he should pick up the phone immediately and call me? Well, its writ in my head, that's where. I made it up. It's my rule and I'll be a lot more comfortable if the world will just run according to my rules. If it doesn't, well, it's wrong and I'm right.

If this sounds self-centered and self-righteous, that's because it is. We can become so enveloped in the cloud of omniscience and righteousness that we cannot see, much less appreciate the reality that surrounds us.

You might examine the stories you have running around in your head about the way other people should be, especially the expectations of how they ought to treat you. The words, “should” and “ought to” loom large in this world of your rules and policies. You say things to yourself like, “He should remember my birthday”. “You really ought to return my phone calls sooner.”

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Our internal language creates a world that meets our expectations. We love to live in this righteous world, this fantasy world that we have created. And if we can get a few people to agree with our expectations….and we seek them out, don't we? ….It makes it right and real. We are justified, ratified and reinforced. All too frequently this fantasy hides the truth from us. This prevents us from finding out that the truth is just fine as it is.

How we react to this discrepancy between our expectations and reality is the first crucial issue? How do you handle your 'upset'? What you pick to say to yourself about the discrepancy will produce the resulting emotion. If you interpret your upset as a loss of 'face', self-esteem or a personal rejection, it is likely that you will experience a very negative emotion indeed. You can choose to be hurt, angry, and humiliated. You may have a flair for conspiracy theories, for favoritism, etc. The human mind hungers for reason, to make sense of this disappointment. So we begin the construction of another story to explain this disappointment. This story will usually star you as the victimized poor-put-upon innocent. This means you have to find the villain, the bad-guy to blame, and so it goes, the construction of a fantasy to bring balance back into our life.

There are other options. You could just notice that it was your faulty prediction that was the cause of the upset. If I had thought a minute, I would have remembered that this person never responds promptly. He is not like me (or how I like to think of myself). If I had predicted correctly there would be no upset. It was my interpretation that causes me to feel bad. So an immediate answer suggests itself: you could revise your 'story' to fit the reality, and accept the behavior of the other and avoid upset all around.

The likelihood of changing the behavior of my friend is slim to none. The possibility of changing my expectations and my stories is vast. All I have to lose is my righteous indignation. What I gain are more accurate versions of reality and more peace of mind. I bump into my stories every day. They keep me busy. They are not always easy to spot. Good luck on yours!

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